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[personal profile] aequitas_veritas
I haven't posted in awhile. Not that anyone's reading this. I don't really know why this journal exists, except maybe I hope that someone might read and understand. And it's also a confessional of sorts. Letting me sort out the mistakes of my life, one by one.

I'm not doing well. My depression seems to be worse than ever, when I'm not distracting myself with something. The internet is a double-edged sword, sometimes a happy diversion, other times a soul-sucking menace.

I love my games - they're basically my life right now. But sometimes, they can be so frustrating or not as comforting as they once were. I try to lose myself in that world as I once did, as I so easily used to, but find myself unable to settle there. Like in Oblivion, I can't seem to make a character I find appealing, both in skill set and appearance. So I can't just surrender, I can't slip into that other persona because I can only see the flaw.

Everything that once made me happy doesn't anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I'm tired. I hate work. I feel I'm the lowest rung on the ladder and get no acknowledgement, no support. I'm tired all the time.

And I think about ending my life every day. Crossing the street today, I hesitated for a moment, seeing an oncoming car. I wondered if it was going fast enough to kill me, if I made a sudden move before the driver could react.

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Aequitas Veritas

August 2012

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