6/19/12

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I've been thinking a lot about how to change. How to turn little differences into big shifts, how to alter my own routines and thought patterns. I've been in the same rut for a long time, dug deep and unable or unwilling to dig myself out and start again. So many times I've promised that I'd turn over a new leaf. That I'd start living better... tomorrow. That this was my last hurrah, my final indulgence, my one time to give in before I really got serious.

But it's never happened. The new start ends up being inevitably like the days that came before it.

I keep waiting. Waiting on that right moment when the change will come to me. When I have enough money, enough time, the right space, the right mindset. I was watching something today which really rung true, about waiting for things to happen to you.

I keep trying to make things perfect around me. My job, my home, keep trying to scrub away the depression and anger and hope that once it's all clean, my mind will be at ease. And it does work for a little while. But then something gets messy or falls out of sync, and I'm back to the starting line.

I do get upset when people try to change my carefully ordered world. Like, when I have planned for a day off and work calls. Or when I have to rush to get ready for something. Anything last minute that I haven't decided on myself - like a spur of the moment trip to the store - is cause for a lot of grief and tears.

One moment can ruin the entire day. One wrong word, one bad encounter. I can't let go. I stew. I torture myself by remembering all the times when I did something wrong or embarrassing. I can't laugh it off, I can't forget, I make myself remember and then feel worthless. I remember when I used to be fearless.

I danced when I had no formal training because I WANTED to. I danced and didn't care what anyone else thought. I went out to places, got involved without thinking 'what am I missing at home while I'm doing this?'

What happened to that girl?

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Aequitas Veritas

August 2012

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