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Here we are again, a fresh journal. Another attempt at sorting out my thoughts and feelings into some sort of sense.

I should be at the stage of my life where things are starting to fall into place. But I feel I'm far behind where I should be in terms of development and accomplishments. There was a point where I was on track. I was in college. I knew what I wanted to do, I had friends, I went out, I didn't care what people thought of me and I did exactly as I wanted. I also had my responsibilities and I stuck to them. I was set.

And then something changed. I think it had a great deal to do with me discovering the internet - at home we had no internet connection. I didn't even have email until I went to college. And then I discovered online role-playing. And suddenly I was taken over by this new hobby. I had always enjoyed writing and at first it was fun and amusing to hang with other creative people online and it was a whole new world. And it was available 24/7.

College wasn't easy for me. Home was 3 hours away. There was no one to enforce discipline, no authority. I could do what I wanted. No one was stopping me from staying up until 4am playing online. No one was forcing me to go to class at 8am. (Also, never sign up for an 8am philosophy course!)

Two years I muddled through college before my parents pulled me out. My grades were abysmal. I had wasted their money and my time.

And it got worse from there. I moved back home, tried community college, but I kept returning to those online communities I'd fallen in love with. If it hadn't been for one site in particular - Mylander's Chat (a freeform rp site that was quite popular in its day, but is now dead) - I would have not met E, who was in time, both my best friend and worst enemy. And I would not have met G, who I spent nearly 11 years with, and who broke my heart so completely that I'm not sure if it'll ever mend.

Somewhere along the way I developed a deep depression and anxiety. I am drastically overweight and have arthritis in my spine, which causes me to be in pain quite a lot of the time. I feel like a different person. Changed. Ruined, even. Often, I feel nothing.

Now I am back home. 33 years old, going on 60. I feel old. I feel worn thin. I am tired. And I don't know how long I can continue. Something needs to change. But where do I begin? So much is wrong. So many things out of balance, out of place. How do I get back enough time to fix my life? To do what I really want to do?

How do I escape this hell I have made?


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Aequitas Veritas

August 2012

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