Presto Manifesto

I can't be bothered to dig up a clever quote for the title.

Not much has changed. Not that I expect it to change. No one takes an interest in my happiness or tries to help me be happy. My sister gives me links to clinics and counselors but I am not ready for that yet. I don't know that I will ever be. My parents don't seem to care, as long as I don't outwardly appear unhappy.

I need to change something but I don't have the resources yet. I want a different job, but anything in my interests would mean I'd have to move cities. Which I don't mind doing, but I don't have a US license or car yet. And I don't have the money necessary to move.

I love my space right now, actually. My room is a nice size, there is space for everything. I'm starting to open up to my interests and hobbies again. I'm paying more attention to my dolls, my books, games, and everything.

Right now I'm in a huge week at work, they've scheduled me for 6 days in a row when previous they never scheduled me more than 3 days in a row before. I hate that. Today I left early because I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't. I was tired, impatient and I knew that if I didn't just go home and sleep, I would probably end up being snippy to a customer.

I did get Employee of the Month at work. I know that they appreciate my work. I also get feedback from other employees that they think I'm good at what I do, that they appreciate how I listen to them and help out when needed. I always think of it just as doing my job. But I am from a different school of work ethic than most.

I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow with a better outlook. I just have to keep thinking 'This is temporary. Calm down. This isn't your whole life. It's a means to an end.'

Relationships.

I've had a few.

Mostly terrible. The men I went out with, I never really thought about whether or not I was in love, whether or not I really liked them. I enjoyed the attention, the intimacy, but there was never anyone who was really in my heart.

And then G. For a long time I thought he was the love of my life. But now I wonder if he just provided me with a convenient lifestyle, an easy path. He didn't demand much of me, he didn't badger or ask questions. He didn't resent my choices or try and talk me out of things. Then again, he never really supported me emotionally.

G was an enabler. He never pushed me out of my comfort zone, even when I needed it. He indulged my whims, my laziness, and my downward spiral. He just let me do what I wanted. If I asked him to do something, from stupid menial tasks to more important things, he'd respond the same to everything. He would just do it, no question.

I think he loved me, in some way. In his own fashion. But it wasn't passion. It wasn't romantic. In the end, it wasn't enough. We were great friends, had tons in common, and got along really well. We'd been together for ten years or so, had our rocky patches - I went back to the US twice and was not faithful - but I thought we'd overcome all that and eventually ended up at a place where we would be comfortable and happy for the rest of our lives.

Not so. I think his discontent had been brewing for years. And mine, too, but I was more willing to take the easy life instead of making the hard choice. My depression didn't help. My anxiety and self-harm and suicidal thoughts didn't help.

I don't think I was fair in any of my relationships. I've been very selfish, very self-involved, doing things that pleased me when they pleased me. I wasn't aware of how my choices would affect those I cared about. And I let some truly lovely men slip away. Some of them I still keep in touch with.

But I often wonder what they think of me. It's probably best that I don't know.

Here we are again, a fresh journal. Another attempt at sorting out my thoughts and feelings into some sort of sense.

I should be at the stage of my life where things are starting to fall into place. But I feel I'm far behind where I should be in terms of development and accomplishments. There was a point where I was on track. I was in college. I knew what I wanted to do, I had friends, I went out, I didn't care what people thought of me and I did exactly as I wanted. I also had my responsibilities and I stuck to them. I was set.

And then something changed. I think it had a great deal to do with me discovering the internet - at home we had no internet connection. I didn't even have email until I went to college. And then I discovered online role-playing. And suddenly I was taken over by this new hobby. I had always enjoyed writing and at first it was fun and amusing to hang with other creative people online and it was a whole new world. And it was available 24/7.

College wasn't easy for me. Home was 3 hours away. There was no one to enforce discipline, no authority. I could do what I wanted. No one was stopping me from staying up until 4am playing online. No one was forcing me to go to class at 8am. (Also, never sign up for an 8am philosophy course!)

Two years I muddled through college before my parents pulled me out. My grades were abysmal. I had wasted their money and my time.

And it got worse from there. I moved back home, tried community college, but I kept returning to those online communities I'd fallen in love with. If it hadn't been for one site in particular - Mylander's Chat (a freeform rp site that was quite popular in its day, but is now dead) - I would have not met E, who was in time, both my best friend and worst enemy. And I would not have met G, who I spent nearly 11 years with, and who broke my heart so completely that I'm not sure if it'll ever mend.

Somewhere along the way I developed a deep depression and anxiety. I am drastically overweight and have arthritis in my spine, which causes me to be in pain quite a lot of the time. I feel like a different person. Changed. Ruined, even. Often, I feel nothing.

Now I am back home. 33 years old, going on 60. I feel old. I feel worn thin. I am tired. And I don't know how long I can continue. Something needs to change. But where do I begin? So much is wrong. So many things out of balance, out of place. How do I get back enough time to fix my life? To do what I really want to do?

How do I escape this hell I have made?