aequitas_veritas: (Default)
I can't be bothered to dig up a clever quote for the title.

Not much has changed. Not that I expect it to change. No one takes an interest in my happiness or tries to help me be happy. My sister gives me links to clinics and counselors but I am not ready for that yet. I don't know that I will ever be. My parents don't seem to care, as long as I don't outwardly appear unhappy.

I need to change something but I don't have the resources yet. I want a different job, but anything in my interests would mean I'd have to move cities. Which I don't mind doing, but I don't have a US license or car yet. And I don't have the money necessary to move.

I love my space right now, actually. My room is a nice size, there is space for everything. I'm starting to open up to my interests and hobbies again. I'm paying more attention to my dolls, my books, games, and everything.

Right now I'm in a huge week at work, they've scheduled me for 6 days in a row when previous they never scheduled me more than 3 days in a row before. I hate that. Today I left early because I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't. I was tired, impatient and I knew that if I didn't just go home and sleep, I would probably end up being snippy to a customer.

I did get Employee of the Month at work. I know that they appreciate my work. I also get feedback from other employees that they think I'm good at what I do, that they appreciate how I listen to them and help out when needed. I always think of it just as doing my job. But I am from a different school of work ethic than most.

I'm hoping to get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow with a better outlook. I just have to keep thinking 'This is temporary. Calm down. This isn't your whole life. It's a means to an end.'
aequitas_veritas: (Default)
I haven't posted in awhile. Not that anyone's reading this. I don't really know why this journal exists, except maybe I hope that someone might read and understand. And it's also a confessional of sorts. Letting me sort out the mistakes of my life, one by one.

I'm not doing well. My depression seems to be worse than ever, when I'm not distracting myself with something. The internet is a double-edged sword, sometimes a happy diversion, other times a soul-sucking menace.

I love my games - they're basically my life right now. But sometimes, they can be so frustrating or not as comforting as they once were. I try to lose myself in that world as I once did, as I so easily used to, but find myself unable to settle there. Like in Oblivion, I can't seem to make a character I find appealing, both in skill set and appearance. So I can't just surrender, I can't slip into that other persona because I can only see the flaw.

Everything that once made me happy doesn't anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I'm tired. I hate work. I feel I'm the lowest rung on the ladder and get no acknowledgement, no support. I'm tired all the time.

And I think about ending my life every day. Crossing the street today, I hesitated for a moment, seeing an oncoming car. I wondered if it was going fast enough to kill me, if I made a sudden move before the driver could react.
aequitas_veritas: (Default)

I've had a few.

Mostly terrible. The men I went out with, I never really thought about whether or not I was in love, whether or not I really liked them. I enjoyed the attention, the intimacy, but there was never anyone who was really in my heart.

And then G. For a long time I thought he was the love of my life. But now I wonder if he just provided me with a convenient lifestyle, an easy path. He didn't demand much of me, he didn't badger or ask questions. He didn't resent my choices or try and talk me out of things. Then again, he never really supported me emotionally.

G was an enabler. He never pushed me out of my comfort zone, even when I needed it. He indulged my whims, my laziness, and my downward spiral. He just let me do what I wanted. If I asked him to do something, from stupid menial tasks to more important things, he'd respond the same to everything. He would just do it, no question.

I think he loved me, in some way. In his own fashion. But it wasn't passion. It wasn't romantic. In the end, it wasn't enough. We were great friends, had tons in common, and got along really well. We'd been together for ten years or so, had our rocky patches - I went back to the US twice and was not faithful - but I thought we'd overcome all that and eventually ended up at a place where we would be comfortable and happy for the rest of our lives.

Not so. I think his discontent had been brewing for years. And mine, too, but I was more willing to take the easy life instead of making the hard choice. My depression didn't help. My anxiety and self-harm and suicidal thoughts didn't help.

I don't think I was fair in any of my relationships. I've been very selfish, very self-involved, doing things that pleased me when they pleased me. I wasn't aware of how my choices would affect those I cared about. And I let some truly lovely men slip away. Some of them I still keep in touch with.

But I often wonder what they think of me. It's probably best that I don't know.
aequitas_veritas: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot about how to change. How to turn little differences into big shifts, how to alter my own routines and thought patterns. I've been in the same rut for a long time, dug deep and unable or unwilling to dig myself out and start again. So many times I've promised that I'd turn over a new leaf. That I'd start living better... tomorrow. That this was my last hurrah, my final indulgence, my one time to give in before I really got serious.

But it's never happened. The new start ends up being inevitably like the days that came before it.

I keep waiting. Waiting on that right moment when the change will come to me. When I have enough money, enough time, the right space, the right mindset. I was watching something today which really rung true, about waiting for things to happen to you.

I keep trying to make things perfect around me. My job, my home, keep trying to scrub away the depression and anger and hope that once it's all clean, my mind will be at ease. And it does work for a little while. But then something gets messy or falls out of sync, and I'm back to the starting line.

I do get upset when people try to change my carefully ordered world. Like, when I have planned for a day off and work calls. Or when I have to rush to get ready for something. Anything last minute that I haven't decided on myself - like a spur of the moment trip to the store - is cause for a lot of grief and tears.

One moment can ruin the entire day. One wrong word, one bad encounter. I can't let go. I stew. I torture myself by remembering all the times when I did something wrong or embarrassing. I can't laugh it off, I can't forget, I make myself remember and then feel worthless. I remember when I used to be fearless.

I danced when I had no formal training because I WANTED to. I danced and didn't care what anyone else thought. I went out to places, got involved without thinking 'what am I missing at home while I'm doing this?'

What happened to that girl?
aequitas_veritas: (Default)
Here we are again, a fresh journal. Another attempt at sorting out my thoughts and feelings into some sort of sense.

I should be at the stage of my life where things are starting to fall into place. But I feel I'm far behind where I should be in terms of development and accomplishments. There was a point where I was on track. I was in college. I knew what I wanted to do, I had friends, I went out, I didn't care what people thought of me and I did exactly as I wanted. I also had my responsibilities and I stuck to them. I was set.

And then something changed. I think it had a great deal to do with me discovering the internet - at home we had no internet connection. I didn't even have email until I went to college. And then I discovered online role-playing. And suddenly I was taken over by this new hobby. I had always enjoyed writing and at first it was fun and amusing to hang with other creative people online and it was a whole new world. And it was available 24/7.

College wasn't easy for me. Home was 3 hours away. There was no one to enforce discipline, no authority. I could do what I wanted. No one was stopping me from staying up until 4am playing online. No one was forcing me to go to class at 8am. (Also, never sign up for an 8am philosophy course!)

Two years I muddled through college before my parents pulled me out. My grades were abysmal. I had wasted their money and my time.

And it got worse from there. I moved back home, tried community college, but I kept returning to those online communities I'd fallen in love with. If it hadn't been for one site in particular - Mylander's Chat (a freeform rp site that was quite popular in its day, but is now dead) - I would have not met E, who was in time, both my best friend and worst enemy. And I would not have met G, who I spent nearly 11 years with, and who broke my heart so completely that I'm not sure if it'll ever mend.

Somewhere along the way I developed a deep depression and anxiety. I am drastically overweight and have arthritis in my spine, which causes me to be in pain quite a lot of the time. I feel like a different person. Changed. Ruined, even. Often, I feel nothing.

Now I am back home. 33 years old, going on 60. I feel old. I feel worn thin. I am tired. And I don't know how long I can continue. Something needs to change. But where do I begin? So much is wrong. So many things out of balance, out of place. How do I get back enough time to fix my life? To do what I really want to do?

How do I escape this hell I have made?
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